My fight is not only one – I fight my addiction to drugs and alcohol, as well as myself. I want to change my habits and behavior and to accept to live in the society. I want to build a system of values, to have priorities, to accept authority…TO HAVE ALL THAT I LACKED SO FAR, without even knowing it. This is really hard for me, but trust me – I put effort in it and I will succeed.
As I already said, the fight is a hard thing for an addicted person like me. I am used to get things the easy way and not to put much effort in in. That`s why I say that I fight myself. I relate fight mostly to patience, because I am used to getting things fast. I relate it to willpower. Willpower for me is a strong desire to achieve some dream of mine and that`s why I follow the steps of other addicted people who have recovered. I don`t want to make up my own ways because so far I have always failed in that.
My fight with addiction began 3 years ago. That`s when I enrolled in a methadone program and I thought I was going to get better. I started the program but from the very first month, I began to inject the methadone. Not long after, it wasn`t enough for me and I began to mix it with other medications. That`s how I began even more addicted and after 2 years of self-lying that I was going to fight it, I enrolled in the therapeutic community. I barely made it to the 13th day and I left which meant that I have no motivation to heal.
I don`t remember the last 1 year. It`s as if I was gone somewhere and I thought only about methadone and medications. If it weren`t for my close ones who sent me to a community by force, maybe I wasn`t going to be around anymore. My fight in the community lasted 6 months but I didn`t put any effort to free myself of the dependency. The therapy there consisted mainly of work but there was alcohol. You can figure that the dependency was still there and nothing motivated me to fight it.
One day I managed to leave again and I once more drowned in oblivion with the familiar combination of methadone and medications, and already with alcohol too…It was scary!
In one of the few moments of consciousness, I realized that I can not continue like that and I decided to seek help. Distraught over my previous failures, I called recovered addicts whom I knew and so I came here – in BILANI.
Here I felt myself standing up to the problem “face to face”. I learned a lot about addiction as a disease. The program motivates me to fight and I truly believe that this time will succeed.
My fight is here every day, every hour, every minute, and every second. Every part of my body is fighting for success. Even my dreams are related to this fight. Here I truly realized my problem and its seriousness, and I want to have the powers to achieve what I came here for. I know that this fight will be long and I am prepared. I am ready to stay even more than the allotted timeframe of the program so that I can be more confident in my own powers. I don`t want to go back to the place I am running away from. There I am nothing. I don`t have the right to a single mistake because even the slightest one will lead me to failure. Now I feel that I have never been more confident in my fight. I long for to be reborn and to be a full person, useful to myself and everyone around me.
I am from Yambol and was known as “the link”.
My name is Plamen! Wish me luck!